ROUND 1: ILLUSTRATED PESTERLOG: Sure Bet (Dave<>Terezi)

[meticuloustactician]

Summary:  Terezi reflects on the gambles she's lost in the past; Dave attains pile nirvana.
Characters: Dave Strider, Terezi Pyrope
Ships: Dave<>Terezi





DAVE: terezi
TEREZI: COOLK1D.
DAVE: what are you doing out in the ass end of the meteor
TEREZI: 1T’S NOT TH4T F4R!
DAVE: bullshit it is literally the ass end there is nothing out here
DAVE: you are halfway between bumfuck space egypt and asteroid posterior lane
DAVE: if i hadnt embarked on an intrepid voyage to find you next thing wed hear youd have gotten sucked into the netherbowels of uranus
DAVE: lost up some fecal wormhole like will robinsons spaceman dick never to return
DAVE: youre missing the memorial corpse party you know
TEREZI: 1S 1T 4 RUD3 P4RTY D4V3?
DAVE: hell yes it is the rudest of parties tz
DAVE: in fact if pressed i would have to say that this party was downright uncivil
TEREZI: HMM.
TEREZI: 4S D1SGUST1NGLY B1TT3R 4S TH3 WORDS T4ST3 1N MY MOUTH, 1 DON’T TH1NK 1’M 1N TH3 MOOD FOR 4NY P4RT13S, R3G4RDL3SS OF TH31R QU3ST1ON4BL3 F1TN3SS FOR PUBL1C COMP4NY.
DAVE: alright
DAVE: whats up tz youre always about the parties



TEREZI: DO YOU R3M3MB3R TH3 L4ST T1M3 W3 T4LK3D? B3FOR3 W3 M3T 1N P3RSON, 1 M34N.
DAVE: you mean the coinflip
TEREZI: WH4T? :? NO, WH3N YOU M4Y OR M4Y NOT H4V3 B33N GR13V1NG OV3R TH3 CORPS3 OF YOUR D34D D4DBRO LUSUS!
DAVE: that was the last time we talked from your perspective
DAVE: welp thats embarrassing
DAVE: oh snap i forgot to ironically bleat like a goat
DAVE: better get on that before someone else steals my thunder
DAVE: patent that shit and get it all locked up in copyright
DAVE: the general public cant even look at this sick idea without getting a lawsuit slapped on them thats how deep this legal flag is shoved down past societys colletive gag reflex
DAVE: fellate on that while i claim all this intellectual profit in the name of dave strider
TEREZI: C4N W3 HOLD OFF ON YOUR 4DM1TT3DLY D3C4D3NT SOUND1NG PL4NS FOR HOST1L3 L3G4L R3COMP3NS3? >:/ 1 4M ST1LL TRY1NG TO G3T TH1S OFF MY CH3ST!
DAVE: yeah thats cool i guess
TEREZI: TH3N 1 H4V3 P3RM1SS1ON TO CONT1NU3 4DDR3SS1NG TH3 COURT?
DAVE: sure knock yourself out
TEREZI: 3XC3LL3NT!
TEREZI: 4S TH3 JURY W1LL R3C4LL, 1 W4S R3M3MB3R1NG TH3 L4ST CONV3RS4T1ON TH4T 1 3XP3R13NC3D B3TW33N US, WH1CH CHRONOLOG1C4LLY W4S NOT 1N F4CT TH3 L4ST CONV3RS4T1ON B3TW33N US FROM YOUR P3RSP3CT1V3!
DAVE: right because you decided to go nonlinear on me
DAVE: way to stick to the plan hannibal
TEREZI: SHH! >:[
TEREZI: TH3 CONV3RS4T1ON 1 W4S R3C4LL1NG UPON YOUR 4RR1V4L, TH3 L4ST ON3 FROM MY P3RSP3CT1V3, W4S 4BOUT JUST1C3. DO YOU R3M3MB3R? 1 W4S TRY1NG TO D1V1N3 TH3 B3ST FORM OF 4CT1ON FOR M3 TO T4K3, B4S3D ON SHOCK1NG N3W 3V1D3NC3. 1 H4D D1SCOV3R3D TH4T ON3 OF TH3 OTH3R TROLLS, 4 D3C31TFUL M4ST3R OF M4N1PUL8T1ON, H4D MURD3R3D S3V3R4L M3MB3RS OF OUR P4RTY!
DAVE: spidertroll
TEREZI: Y3S!!
TEREZI: W3LL, NO. :/ NOT 3X4CTLY 4NYW4Y.
TEREZI: 4LTHOUGH VR1SK4 W4S R3SPONS1BL3 FOR TH3 D34TH OF POOR T4VROS, 1T TURN3D OUT TH4T SH3 W4S NOT 1N F4CT R3SPONS1BL3 FOR TH3 OTH3R MURD3RS WH1CH 1, 4T TH3 T1M3, 4TTRIBUT3D TO H3R. BUT SH3 W4S ST1LL GU1LTY 4ND SO, 1 THOUGHT, MY DUTY R3M41N3D TH3 S4M3.
TEREZI: TH4T W4S TH3 TH1NG 1 W4S R3M3MB3R1NG JUST NOW TH4T CORRUPT3D TH3 SW33T 1D34 OF 4 P4RTY 1NTO SOM3TH1NG D1SGUST1NG 4ND B1TT3R. 4FT3R CONS1D3R1NG TH3 N3W 3V1D3NC3 TH4T YOU H4V3 PR3S3NT3D, THOUGH, 1 H4V3 COM3 TO TH3 V3RD1CT TH4T, WH1CH3V3R OF OUR CONV3RS4T1ONS YOU LOOK 4T, TH3Y BOTH D1SPL4Y TH3 S4M3 UNFORG1V34BL3 CR1M3.
DAVE: what murder
DAVE: yeah that wasnt a hard deduction to make there constable pyrope
DAVE: spidertroll killed your friend and jack noir killed doomed me
DAVE: case solved
TEREZI: NO, 1 M34N M3!! >:[
TEREZI: 1 COMM1TT3D TH3 S4M3 CR1M3 BOTH T1M3S!
DAVE: tz what are you
TEREZI: 1N BOTH C4S3S, 1 THOUGHT TH4T LUCK D1DN’T M4TT3R, B3C4US3 1 KN3W WH4T TH3 OUTCOM3 WOULD B3. TH4T 1S 4 S33RS JOB, TO KNOW TH3 OUTCOME! 4S TH3 S33R OF M1ND, 1T 1S MY JOB TO S33 4LL OF TH3 POSS1BL3 4CT1ONS TH4T 4 P3RSON COULD T4K3, 4ND 34CH POSS1BL3 FUTUR3 THOS3 4CT1ONS COULD L34D TO, 4ND H3LP TO M4K3 SUR3 TH3 MOST PR3F3R4BL3 OUTCOM3 1S 4CH13V3D.
TEREZI: WH3N 1T C4M3 T1M3 TO 3X3CUT3 VR1SK4, 1 W4SN’T 3NT1R3LY SUR3 1 COULD DO 1T. 1T W4S H3R L4ST G4MBL3; NOT HOW TH3 CO1N WOULD L4ND, BUT WH3TH3R 1 WOULD GO THROUGH W1TH K1LL1NG H3R WH3N SH3 TR13D TO GO F1GHT J4CK. BUT R34LLY, 1T W4S MY G4MBL3 TOO. 1 KN3W WH4T 1 H4D TO DO, BUT 1 D1DN’T KNOW 1F 1 COULD.
TEREZI: 1 D1DN’T KNOW MY OWN M1ND. 4ND TH4T 1S TH3 WORST CR1M3 4 S33R OF M1ND C4N COMM1T. :[
TEREZI: 1T W4S TH3 S4M3 W1TH M1ST3R D3L1C1OUS K1W1 31GHT B4LL SU1T.
TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT LUCK D1DN’T M4TT3R B3C4US3 1 4LR34DY KN3W YOU COULD NOT F4C3 YOUR OWN D34TH, 4ND YOU WOULD NOT R34CH GODT13R.
TEREZI: W3LL, NOT 1N TH3 TR4D1T1ON4L W4Y. H3H.
TEREZI: BUT 1 D1DN’T STOP TO CONS1D3R MY OWN 4CT1ONS, 4ND TH3 F4CT TH4T TH3Y WOULD 4LSO H4V3 4N 3FF3CT ON TH3 W4Y TH1NGS TURN3D OUT.
TEREZI: 1 KNOW TH4T, S1NC3 TH1S 1S TH3 ALPH4 T1M3L1N3, 1 W4S L1K3LY 4LW4YS GO1NG TO OFF3R YOU TH3 CO1N FL1P, 4ND MR. K1W1 W4S 4LW4YS GO1NG TO D13. R4T1ON4LLY SP34K1NG, TH3R3 W4S NO OTH3R 4CT1ON 1 COULD H4V3 T4K3N W1TH 31TH3R YOU OR VR1SK4.
TEREZI: BUT 1 ST1LL C4N’T H3LP TH1NK1NG 4BOUT WH4T WOULD H4V3 H4PP3N3D 1F 1 H4D STOPP3D CONS1D3R1NG 3V3RYON3 3LS3S POSS1BL3 4CT1ONS 4ND CONS1D3R3D MY OWN 1NST34D. :[
TEREZI: 1 G4MBL3D TH4T 1 KN3W MY OWN M1ND, TH4T 1 KN3W WH4T 1 W4S DO1NG. 1 G4MBL3D W1TH TH3 L1V3S OF TWO OF MY FR13NDS. 4ND 1 LOST.
TEREZI: R34LLY, 1’M 4 L1TTL3 SURPR1S3D YOU’R3 ST1LL T4LK1NG TO M3, D4V3.
TEREZI: …



TEREZI: D4V3?



TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG?
DAVE: making a pile
DAVE: thats how you trolls do it right
DAVE: hop in a pile and take a slow grind on the moe-rail until all your problems just ollie outie
DAVE: catch some maximum rad airing out of all your feelings
TEREZI: D4V3, YOU’RE BUILDING A PILE? FOR M3?? >:O
DAVE: isnt that what i just said



TEREZI: OH, COOLK1D! <> <> <>
DAVE: terezi watch the cape



TEREZI: H3 H3 H3 H3!
DAVE: welp
DAVE: guessing this means you feel better
DAVE: guessing that means i did this right
TEREZI: Y3S. >:] YOUR P1L3 BU1LD1NG SK1LLS 4R3 S4T1SF4CTORY.
DAVE: hell yes they are
DAVE: i was specially trained in pile making by the most aged and learned of the mythic stacking monks
DAVE: for months i did nothing but study the mysteries of the pile universe and drink yaks milk right from the bulbous udder
DAVE: contained within this pile are the secrets of the perfect pile
DAVE: pile nirvana
DAVE: any troll would weep with envy to behold such magnificent beauty let alone to have the chance to have it cradle their bony grey asses in its many protruding objects
TEREZI: OK4Y D4V3, W3 G3T 1T.
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 TH3 P1L3 M4ST3R, 1T’S YOU!
DAVE: sure am
DAVE: now how bout i lay down a beat and we start this feelings jam right
TEREZI: TH3 COURT OFF1C14LLY D3CL4R3S TH1S J4M 1N S3SS1ON!


Art by: tangledThespian
Dialogue by: meticulousTactician